Feeling AWKWARD

With 60 lbs of groceries after a trip to Super Target

Have you ever felt like you just didn't belong somewhere, and everybody was looking at you because you were different?  Well, I just had that very experience and wanted to share what I learned.

Tomorrow I am going to see my oldest daughter at college, and she requested a few things.  I also needed some groceries so I decided to visit my local Super Target and kill two birds with one stone.  I don't drive at this point (due to being legally blind) and Target is 3 miles away so I had to figure out how I'd get there and back to my home.  I decided to ride my bike since there are bike lanes all the way to Target.  I also had to figure out how I was going to get all the goods back home.  I decided to try out my new Osprey 50L Atmos pack to carry the items I purchased.  The ride to Target was uneventful and I rang my bell a lot to let cars know I was around.  Then it happened (insert nails on a chalkboard sound here...)

YOU DON'T BELONG

When I arrived at Target I parked my bike and locked it to a bike rack.  I heard a couple ladies talking a couple feet from me.  As I rode up, I heard their conversation stop and felt their eyes on me. Have they never seen a blind guy riding a bike with a hiking backpack on?  I quickly moved through the sliding doors and grabbed a cart.  I called a friend on my phone to keep me company, visit and help me try to take my mind off of feeling different.  We chatted about one of our favorite topic - running - and moved on to life happenings. 

In the produce section, I was able to shop independently fairly well.  I could see colors and shapes of objects, and there weren't many kids running in front of me - who I consistently mow down in grocery stores (I see through a tunnel and they are always out of the circle I see through).  At one point I wanted to get avocados so I could make guacamole.  I asked a Target employee where avocados were.  She curtly told me, "they are there, there and some over there.  Just look for them." moving her face all the time as if to tell me to look in that direction.  I knew looking was futile as I wouldn't be able to see the items.  I told her, "I am legally blind and I can't see them."  She then said, "you should have told me so."  Then, she took me to each of the avocado sections and even helped me find some soft ones that were suitable for tonight's guacamole.  I've had this experience many times before where I ask somebody for help, they tell me to buzz off, then I let them know I'm legally blind and they feel horrible.  This lady apologized again after I got the avocados, and I said, "no problem.  I look like I can see."  She said, "I know."

I was done with the produce section and I needed to get other items.  The next Item I needed was rice.  I walked up and down four aisles looking for rice. I'm not able to read the aisle signs that say what is in each aisle, so I just walk aisles looking for familiar items. I asked a couple ladies for help finding rice and they didn't say anything.  I know they thought I saw their facial expressions, but I didn't.  They didn't move, didn't talk and I could deduce that they were looking directly at me.  We were about 4 feet away from one another.  The silence was more than I could bear, so I turned around and walked away.

My friend was still on the phone at this point, and I asked her if I should ask customer service for help since these customers couldn't help me.  My friend offered to have me FaceTime her and she would read the items to me and tell me what I was buying and where to look for items.  She also had told me about an app for blind people where you can use your phone and get help from other people to read items to you.  It's called "Be my eyes", and I think I'm finally going to get it as my friend suggested.  I felt so demoralized from my encounter with the two ladies that I didn't even take my friend up on her generous offer to FaceTime and help.  Maybe it was the backpack I was wearing in Target that made me look different.  Or, maybe it was the fact that I looked like I can see - I make eye contact, look directly at people and have reader glasses on.  Whatever it was, the interaction with these ladies made me feel like I just didn't belong there.  I was so frazzled I forgot about the rice and went to a different aisle to try to find some Pirate's Booty, as a thank you for my friend who offered to read to me, and get some chips.  I remember the color schemes on a lot of the bags of chips and can usually figure out which one is the right bag.  I was successful in this aisle and started to get my confidence back.  I went down an aisle of canned foods and knew I was needing some items.  I wanted to get soup, some black beans and corn.  I was able to get soup and beans before getting too frustrated at not being able to see what the cans were.  I abandoned my attempt to get the corn and remembered that I needed to get my daughter some running clothing.  

I found the women's running clothing section.  I found the shorts I wanted to get her on a mahican.  I began roaming the area trying to find the shorts on a rack.  It was not light enough for me to discern the dark shorts which tended to blend in with the dark carpet.  After about 5 minutes, I knew I needed to ask for help.  There were a couple ladies in the section, but no employees.  I looked around the area for another 5 minutes for an employee, but no employee showed up.  Finally, I thought to myself, "I'm going to ask a lady for help.  They are usually compassionate and helpful."  With all the courage I could muster I went to the lady that had been in the area for the last 10 minutes.  I went to her and said, "Excuse me miss.  Can I ask for your help?  I am legally blind and I need to get my daughter some running shorts and shirts.  Can you help me locate where running shorts and running shirts are."  She looked at me and took me to an end-cap where shorts were located.  She said they were yoga shorts.  I felt them.  They did not have a liner.  Then she said, she's not really sure where the shorts are and she just got to this area of the store.  I took that as a hint to say, "I'm not able to help you."  I thanked her for her effort and decided I needed to go to customer service and ask for help.

As I showed up to Customer Service with my large red hiking pack, I explained that I was legally blind and I needed somebody to help me find some items.  I asked to have a woman help me, as I was shopping for women's items and they would understand fit and nuances better.  Before I knew it, a Target employee was at my side.  I explained that I looked like I could see, but I really couldn't see much.  She said, "no worries".  I took her to the manikin that had the shorts I wanted, and the employee found them in no time in the right size.  Next, she helped me find the shirts I was looking for in a matter of minutes.  Next, we shopped for sports bras.  I never knew women have it so complicated - compression, padded, racer back, supportive, ?????? Finally, I found a couple that I thought would work for my daughter.  I asked the employee if she could help me find some hangars, a small mirror and a hamper, all items my daughter had requested.  She obliged and took me on a tour of Target.  She was really patient with me, and I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable and voluntarily explained my eye condition.  She accepted me, and just tried to help me with what I needed.  She was wonderful!

It was finally time to pay.  I got in a line to checkout.  My cart was fuller than I had anticipated, and I wondered if all the items could fit in my backpack.  I told the cashier I didn't need any bags and I was going to put everything in my backpack.  I think she thought I was homeless.  I didn't mind that as I work with the homeless and have no problem if a person thinks I'm homeless.  I carefully loaded my pack with my groceries and daughter's clothes.  As I packed, many customers looked at me and nobody offered to help.  I was pretty consumed with packing and amazed at how much my new pack could hold.  Finally, I had packed as much as I could and had to ask for a bag to carry the rest of my items.

As I biked home, I thought of how far I had come on my journey of going blind.  Just four years ago, I would have been a hot angry mess.  I would have been bitter that I wasn't offered help proactively.  I  had a victim mentality back then.  Life was unfair, and the world owed me.  Now, I feel like I'm in a state where I'm using all my wits and intellect to create solutions when problems arise.  There are those times when human interaction or an adversity cause me to pause and question possibilities.  However, in the end I have never lost my innate gift to persevere in the face of pain and fear.  Hope, patience, consistency and forgiveness are the keys to dismantling the negative emotions which overtake me at times.  Once I committed to not let a little thing like going blind ruin my life, all of my dreams began to bloom, and once again - all things became possible.  Having a strong mental game, and associating positive experience in times of uncertainty and disaster has given me the fortitude to tap into a limitless well of perseverance and determination.  Staying positive when bad things happen has been a secret to succeeding for me.  It is something we are all capable of doing.  The next time something negative happens, choose to find something positive and focus on that one positive thing.  This will cause your brain to associate "good things", even when bad things happen.  This positive mindset will enable you to be creative, innovative and you will be able to develop and execute solutions.  People who let their minds associate "bad things and negative emotions" when bad things happen will find themselves bitter, angry, exhausted and mentally drained.  Negativity unties our balloon of life and lets out all of the good air that has inflated out beautiful balloon.

The morals of this trip to Super Target are:  Being vulnerable and forgiving is how we overcome our insecurities.  Asking for and accepting help is critical to accomplish our goals.

ONWARD!

Jason Romero is a highly sought after inspirational speaker and the 1st and only blind person to run across America.  Jason is a member of the US Paralympic Team, holds 10+ world records in ultra-running, a former attorney and business executive, and a single father of 3 children.  More information can be found on Jason at www.jasonromero.net.